Surfing Paruretic.org in public in the front row of my computer science class today

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Bunnayiswild
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Surfing Paruretic.org in public in the front row of my computer science class today

Post by Bunnayiswild » Wed Jan 25, 2017 7:29 pm

I feel like my paruresis operates like a 6th sense and i've been paying very close attention lately.

I'm pretty convinced that it's like this "effortless" thing that is functioning at all times and therefore if i find myself in a situation where i encounter pee stress i feel more confidant that i can call bullshit on it because it's always running.

What i'm trying to say is if i'm asked to go out to dinner and my immediate thought is "oh i'm too tired" or "naw i don't want to spend the money" etc, it's much easier for me to look through those excuses nowadays since i'm almost certain it's my paruresis taking over and trying to steer me away.

Sooooo since i think it operates like a 6th sense if i'm making excuses to not do something and pee stress is involved i pretty much assume right away oh it's pee stress and i can shoot down my excuses pretty quick now.

Anyways!
i feel like today in class was a particularly good example of my 6th sense at work, i was in class in the front row and not too many people were in class, no i know exactly the situations Lol. Initially it was just me and my professor and my computer was facing away from him, i knew he wouldnt see.

Then somebody else showed up but sat rows & rows behind me and i figured he couldn't see my computer, in addition to that i figured i didn't know him, sized him up really quick just like i do anybody that enters the bathroom Lol and drew a very simplistic and hasty conclusion that i didn't care about him and we probably wouldn't get along anyways + he didn't seem very important >< (harsh but true, this is where my head went ><). Anyways that took care of that guy and i continued to look through the forum.

Without any thought (like a sense) as soon as someone sat down in the row behind me it all registered as a threat for me and i very quicky rushed to close everything out (i also took into account this entire time that i had been surfing publicly that i'm quick with keyboards and browsers so if someone were to get "too close" that i would be able to very quickly exit out of everything w/ 3-4 quick ctrl - w 's to kill the pages and nobody would catch me.)

So i thought about this a bunch today and you know i'm thinking lots of it was i just wanted to avoid unnecessary weird miscommuncations about it because looking at Dave's front page might immediately raise some just kinda weird suspicions of like what, what's this kid looking at a webpage w/ "Recovery" & fancy words like "Paruresis" ...... like what would people think i don't know, i just figured it could be very quickly misconstrued and i think that is a decent reason to want to avoid that just in general but i couldn't help but think that there was some justified paruretic avoidance going on too "fear of discovery" going on and i'm just really trying to isolate and reinforce to myself in as many ways possible that it's a fear of discovery, fear of getting kicked out of tribe, etc and a lot less to do with pee'ing than i think is commonly thought.

Thought i'd jot it down and so yeah!
"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool."
-Richard Feynman

"It's Zen-like that I CAN pee...because it's okay if I can't."
-Dave Adams

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william
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Re: Surfing Paruretic.org in public in the front row of my computer science class today

Post by william » Wed Jan 25, 2017 7:36 pm

great job of catching the phobia at work...

it's such a dominant theme in the facet of daily life outside of the house of a paruretic..

you need this awareness of when the phobia takes over....for effective recovery
peeing is easy
performing to expectations is hard

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Bunnayiswild
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Re: Surfing Paruretic.org in public in the front row of my computer science class today

Post by Bunnayiswild » Wed Jan 25, 2017 7:39 pm

you need this awareness of when the phobia takes over....for effective recovery
Agreed!!!
"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool."
-Richard Feynman

"It's Zen-like that I CAN pee...because it's okay if I can't."
-Dave Adams

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DaveA
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Re: Surfing Paruretic.org in public in the front row of my computer science class today

Post by DaveA » Thu Jan 26, 2017 7:47 am

trying to isolate and reinforce to myself in as many ways possible that it's a fear of discovery, fear of getting kicked out of tribe, etc
Bunnay,
You haven't fully "peeled the onion".

Fear of discovery is a top layer, what's under it?
Same with fear of getting kicked out of the tribe, what's under that top layer?

I like to drill down and keep drilling till I reach essence.

Essence is what REALLY nourishes paruresis.
It's the first domino in the line.

I find it MORE therapeutic to refer to my core issue...the essence of my paruresis...rather than a RESULT of my paruresis. Here's a thought stream example...

:!: I have a fear of discovery!
:?: WHY do you fear discovery?
:!: Because paruresis is unacceptable!
:?: WHY is it unacceptable?
:!: It's unacceptable because...

Essence will do everything possible to avoid being seen and understood. It takes time to dig down layer after layer and ask yourself if THAT'S the essence...or is something deeper driving it like "unacceptable" drives "fear of discovery".
You can't successfully tease a person about something they don't feel embarrassed about.
I can pee...because it's okay if I can't.
The problem is embarrassment, paruresis is rooted in your embarrassment.

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Bunnayiswild
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Re: Surfing Paruretic.org in public in the front row of my computer science class today

Post by Bunnayiswild » Tue Jan 31, 2017 5:16 pm

Essence will do everything possible to avoid being seen and understood.
Agreed!

~Continuing to drill ~ ~~
"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool."
-Richard Feynman

"It's Zen-like that I CAN pee...because it's okay if I can't."
-Dave Adams

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