I Can't Pee...Is NOT The Problem

How to begin recovery from "Shy Bladder".
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DaveA
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I Can't Pee...Is NOT The Problem

Post by DaveA » Sun Oct 19, 2014 12:42 pm

Paruresis is a mental issue.
We can pee at home alone, just not in public restrooms or when people are waiting for us or watching us.

So the inability to pee is a SYMPTOM of our problem, but NOT the problem itself.

Paruresis is NOT simply a "need to relax" issue.
There's lots of reasons why we can't empty our bladders in various situations.
Those reasons are the CAUSE of our anxiety.

If you have what you regard as valid reasons for anxiety, why WOULDN'T you be anxious?

Paruretic recovery requires us to DISCARD the REASONS we can't empty our bladder in this or that situation.

When there's no REASON to be anxious...relaxation happens naturally.
You can't successfully tease a person about something they don't feel embarrassed about.
I can pee...because it's okay if I can't.
The problem is embarrassment, all else is rooted in your embarrassment.

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william
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Re: I Can't Pee...Is NOT The Problem

Post by william » Sat Nov 01, 2014 6:27 pm

The constant theme on the other message board is find ways of peeing
with 100% success. Because if they fail to pee, its the end of the world.

Maybe that is the problem, the quest, the need to pee at 100 % success rate.
The mental baggage one has that creates this very difficult demand every time
we go into washroom.
And it feeds on itself...
Giving no room for failure :oops: ...
peeing is easy
performing to expectations is hard

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DaveA
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Re: I Can't Pee...Is NOT The Problem

Post by DaveA » Sat Nov 01, 2014 8:32 pm

The constant theme on the other message board is find ways of peeing
with 100% success. Because if they fail to pee, its the end of the world.
William,
Yeah, the person the person looking for 100% solutions...is usually sacrificing things in life, in order to keep the secret. They NEED a 100% solution...to protect the secret.

If having a shy bladder is unacceptable, the secret and need for a miracle cure are standard behavior, keeping the paruretic bound till death.

Paruretics are like addicts, in that there's no point in trying to help them till they're ready to be helped. They need to hit bottom, mature a bit, fuck up their life sufficiently, try every stupid money costing thing imaginable first. Some people see the light sooner than others and that's okay, it's natural.

Till an alcoholic is ready, don't come between them and their bottle.
In paruretic terms, I suppose our "bottle" is the secret.
The best we can do for fellow paruretics is gently make them aware of what WILL work, when they're ready.

Riding on top of that though, is the need to dump paruretically distorted thoughts and values. The constant theme you mentioned is because of those distorted thoughts and values.

Logically, how can anyone be expected to recover from a problem like ours, WITHOUT dumping the REASONS that the problem exists?
You can't successfully tease a person about something they don't feel embarrassed about.
I can pee...because it's okay if I can't.
The problem is embarrassment, all else is rooted in your embarrassment.

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DaveA
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Re: I Can't Pee...Is NOT The Problem

Post by DaveA » Fri Feb 17, 2017 9:40 pm

Cotal,
If you happen to see this thread...it's one of the ones I was remembering and mentioned to you a day or so ago.
You can't successfully tease a person about something they don't feel embarrassed about.
I can pee...because it's okay if I can't.
The problem is embarrassment, all else is rooted in your embarrassment.

Cotal2392
Posts: 81
Joined: Sat Jan 21, 2017 4:45 pm

Re: I Can't Pee...Is NOT The Problem

Post by Cotal2392 » Fri Feb 17, 2017 10:48 pm

DaveA wrote:
Fri Feb 17, 2017 9:40 pm
Cotal,
If you happen to see this thread...it's one of the ones I was remembering and mentioned to you a day or so ago.
Dave I'm on it! I check in everyday it seems to keep my mind busy on recovering. I read over and over to dump the false meanings to restructure my brain but what I'm trying to figure out is...HOW! What's the actual process? Just mentally asking questions and answering the realistic outcome of a situation enough times that it's burnt into your brain? Just telling yourself over and over you are not in danger in a restroom? Positive affirmations? The cbt aspect is still vague to me.

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DaveA
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Re: I Can't Pee...Is NOT The Problem

Post by DaveA » Sat Feb 18, 2017 5:58 am

Dave I'm on it! I check in everyday it seems to keep my mind busy on recovering.
Cotal,
That's GREAT!
It's exactly what I want paruretics working on recovery to have...the opportunity to engage with our issue in a POSITIVE and HEALTHY way as much as possible, to counter the paruretic voice that loves to whisper bullshit in our ears.
I read over and over to dump the false meanings to restructure my brain but what I'm trying to figure out is...HOW!
:arrow: Identify your thoughts and feelings about having a hesitant bladder.
:arrow: Use either self-analysis or professionally guided assistance from a CBT Psychologist to do that.
:arrow: Identify which of your thoughts and feelings are bullshit...and "dump" them.
:arrow: Seeing bullshit for what it is...that's "dumping" the secret.

Easy Example:
:arrow: WHY do you feel a need to keep it secret?
A typical answer is that the paruretic doesn't want to be embarrassed.
:arrow: WHY is it embarrassing to have a hesitant bladder?
Your answer?

"Your answer" is the VALUES and MEANINGS you've assigned to your paruretic symptoms.
:arrow: Are those values and meanings true?
:arrow: Are they MORE important to you than the freedom you'd have if you DIDN'T keep the secret?

I didn't have financial or medical options when I began recovery.
But my obsessive nature allowed me to power through my paruretic bullshit anyway. I know several other paruretics personally who have done the same thing. Self-guided recovery.

BUT...wouldn't the whole thing have been EASIER, FASTER, less personal research and trial and error...if I could have afforded professional guidance? I think so.

My position is that IF it's an option for you...I'd certainly look for a CBT Psychologist who is either already familiar with our unique issue, or willing to put in the effort to learn without you having to teach them the basics...while you're paying them to do so.

Ask ALL the questions you want on this topic.
In my opinion...it's the heart of recovery.
You can't successfully tease a person about something they don't feel embarrassed about.
I can pee...because it's okay if I can't.
The problem is embarrassment, all else is rooted in your embarrassment.

Cotal2392
Posts: 81
Joined: Sat Jan 21, 2017 4:45 pm

Re: I Can't Pee...Is NOT The Problem

Post by Cotal2392 » Sat Feb 18, 2017 4:16 pm

Thanks dave for also breaking it down further. Please ignore me asking in the other forum we are actively engaging in. Unfortunately I only have the option financially for personal self guidance and outside assistance from you and the rest of the group. No money for a professional CBT therapist but that's okay I am determined.

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DaveA
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Re: I Can't Pee...Is NOT The Problem

Post by DaveA » Sat Feb 18, 2017 4:39 pm

No money for a professional CBT therapist but that's okay I am determined.
Cotal,
Well, I honestly can't think of any major downside to your situation.

:arrow: More effort needed and expended to ensure you find the right processes and then maximize benefits from them?

:mrgreen: That ALWAYS means that you'll learn and understand EVERYTHING at a much deeper level than a person fortunate enough to be professionally guided. That's NOT a bad thing. :D

:arrow: If self-guided works out for you...it'll save you a small fortune. That's NOT a bad thing. :D

:arrow: If self-guided DOESN'T get you all the way to where you want to be...you'll be the MOST savvy patient a future paid professional has ever encountered...it'll save you a small fortune. That's NOT a bad thing. :D

And you DO have a great bunch of guys in your group...and all of us here on this talk forum and over at the IPA talk forum as well. That's a LOT of FREE brainpower, thoughts and suggestions available to you for the asking.
You can't successfully tease a person about something they don't feel embarrassed about.
I can pee...because it's okay if I can't.
The problem is embarrassment, all else is rooted in your embarrassment.

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